THE LORD ASKS LONELINESS OF US

Why am I blogging? Well I sat to vent, but I will be grateful, because I see the blessings. I love the quote, " where there's shadows there's sunshine" I have been feeling sorry for myself, undeserving of the difficut feelings that deep down I know have been placed by the master of lies. Yet I wonder of how undeserving of the pride I am, it is humbling to have to acknowledge the power I have there. It is the root of much emotional turmoil, even service is not satisfying, there is still deep down the expectation of something in return, emotional inteligence tells me that is contradictory. So therein lies the battle that rages in the silent chambers of the heart. As for loneliness I remind myself that even Christ was left alone at the most difficult of times, and I am grateful for the person that has continually reminded me of that, it is the Lords way of testing my faith, life will never run out of hurdles, if we dont place them oursleves then the Lord and Satan will make sure to fill in the gaps. Everything is for our growth, what a beautiful and comforting quote, upon which I am heavily leaining. I hope no one minds the serious nature of this blog, I admire the honesty of others who have blogged you are an example to me and help me to share more openly my feelings. You have blogged things that are difficult and I admire that, but those are the blogs that give me courage to open up the old heart and feel the relief that comes from sharing. Please excuse the onslaught of fun-on sentences, you can blame my mother, who feels as though every breath is her last and therefore must speak everything before the respiratory cycle has come full circle, and then what happens... well she takes another breath.

A lot of the time the strengths we perceive in ourselves are indeed our weaknesses. I have often prided myself in my honesty, in fact have been curiously proud about this trait, but I wonder how honest I have been with myself. I look back and I have been honest at the most difficult of times and rendered myself completely vulnerable due to brutal honesty. Yet I question my level of self-honesty, it has harmed friendships and teriffies me. I sit here after giving council to a patient to continue talking about her feelings, and now I sit here thinking to myself HYPOCRITE!!!!!!!................Jer you're a bit of a crit. Honestly I don't share feelings well, and then wonder why I feel so much of the time disconnected. Even when my life is fairly well-aligned with that of my heavenly dad, I still have strong bouts of disconnectedness. I look at the lives of those I frequently come in contact with and am jealous, jealous of friendships, connections and wonder or fool myself into believing that I dont have those. I wonder if I can't recognize them and am realize that I may encroach upon sabotaging the ones that I do have, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. When a friendship occurs, it becomes strange and unnatural so I excuse it away, wow this has been enlightening. Thanks for hearing me out bloggin world, I am facing hard realities and you know what its fun. Embrace the challenge and its fun.